My Future Dilemma

It is 31 degrees outside, sunny, hot and humid; in my own little world, it is cloudy, and I feel cold and depressed.
Some people say uncertainty in the future is fun. The process of working hard and watching how your future unfolds is a pleasure and privilege. You are an artist. Your future is like a plain banner. How and what you color on the banner determines how your future will turn out to be like.
The thing is, there are too many options—too many colors to choose from and too many ways to paint the banner.
I have stumbled and got stuck in the dilemma.
I try to visualize and imagine my future: if I paint it with green, how it is going to look like? What about if I paint it with blue mixed with red?
After all, I am afraid that regrets will arise in my heart eventually from the color I have chosen to use. However, no matter how hard I try to foresee the end product, it is all obscure.
I am panicked.
Being stressed enough issues about school and returning home, I now am trying to calm the big waves in my heart caused by an unexpected presence of a stranger. In order to prevent Jun from finding out what has happened and getting his heart broken, I lied. In order to prevent “E” from knowing deeply about my past, I lied. In order to prevent myself from hurting and getting hurt by anybody and falling into the melancholy trap again, I even lied to myself. It is not fair for all of us in this incident. I know I am wrong, but I just can’t help it.
I am so frustrated. I hate lying, but at the same time, I find myself making up lots of prevarications and living in my own fabricated world.
Who can assure me that I could return to my home if I choose to stay with Jun? Who can assure me that Jun is still going to remain devoted to me 2 years after? Who can assure me that “E” is the right mate of my life? Who can assure me that the color that I choose to paint with will definitely turn out the picture to be the one I have been longing for?
Sometimes I really wish I am a fish that lives in the ocean. I get to go anywhere I like in the world, and swim freely without worries. I am simple but happy—not like human’s brains, which are full of complications.
Uncertainty in the future is, in fact, depressing.
I’m lighting a cigarette, and falling into deep meditation again.