I'm going to miss you, Grace~

Early today, I received Grace’s call.
“Hey hun, I’m going back to Canada on March 4th!” I could tell she was screaming and jumping on the other side.
After we hung up, I quietly sat there and looked at the walls blankly for quite awhile.
She is going back to T.O, a place where we met each other, a place where our hearts are at, although we both physically present at this country.
Then, I found myself bursting into tears.
I am going to miss her.
And when will be my turn?
I have been knowing Grace for 7 years now. Although we have some divergences on the way we see things and the way we do things; nevertheless, she is my best friend. We have been through a lot of tough things together, and we are always there to help each other out. Back in Toronto, she hooked me up with her hairstylist Tom, who has since then become my favourite hairstylist. She introduced Doug to me, the nicest person on earth, who has never grown to despise my requests for help. She introduced her group of friends to me, by whom my acquaintanceship has since then stretched from a mini pond to sea. Without her as my companion 2 years ago, I would have never met Jun, my honey bunny. Without her as my pushy biotch, I would have still lived in my own small, dark, and gloomy life. Even now we are both outside of Toronto, she hooked me up with this current part-time job. Without her, I wouldn’t have met Jimmy, another Doug.
I think I have taken this friendship for granted.
When someone is around you all the time, you feel secure and you won’t pay too much attention on him/her, because you know that he/she is always going to be there. But when that person leaves, you feel sad, because he/she is going to be far away from you. Or sadly, you might never hear from him/her again. There you start punching your head for not spending enough time with him/her.
I always thought that she will be around with me, although we seldom see each other and talk on the phone. I always thought I still had enough time, although I definitely knew that she will be back to T.O sometime by now. I have never told her how much I appreciate her. I, sometimes, ignore her calls and messages on the contrary (now I really feel like SHIT).
And now I’m sobbing in the room alone, punching my heart for how such a bad friend I am. She is the only close friend I have here. Once she’s gone, I have nobody.
Grace, I’m glad that you finally get to reunite with your husband and start a new life. I want you to stay happy and live a fulfilled life. I promise I will come back once I finish my study. After all, T.O is my home as well. And I will meet you up. Wait for me okay?

Gracie, Doug, and LooLoo (2006)

Gracie's bday party (2006)

Gracie, Jun & LooLoo (2008)

I was her maid of honor(2007)

I'm gonna miss you sweetheart~

Plastic Surgery

“What do you think about plastic surgery?”
One of the judges asked me this question on the Dreamgirl audition. Apparently the controversy of this matter—plastic beauty versus natural beauty, is still a popular topic among people. While the society are recommending the beauty of natural, while the girl being interviewed would normally stick with natural beauty over plastic’s, there are significant growing numbers of people decide to go under the knife everyday. And my answer to this question is: why not?
Here is my little story:
As a little girl, I had been teasing by other kids the whole life in schools. They made fun of my teeth because my teeth were like piano. They made fun of my nose because there was a visible scar on my nose (I got it when the bicycle fell onto me when I was 3). They made fun of my body because my boobs are small compared to those hormone-active girls. They had destroyed my confident. I felt inferior; I felt ugly. Instead of laughing out loud freely, I used hand to cover up my mouth; Instead of walking with my head straight, I looked at the floor; Instead of being comfortable in my own skin, I secretly envy those girls’ perfect body. I was Miss Invisible. I found myself crying in countless nights, hoping one day I could turn to be a swan, and people could just stop making fun of me and respect me. So believe me, when I say I know exactly how it feels when people make fun of your look.
There will be only 2 options to overcome this situation: you either change yourself, or change the culture of this society. I think you know which one is easier.
To educate the people to appreciate the virtue of respect is just as hard as to educate the people not to throw garbage. There will still be people out there littering (teasing) everyday. Otherwise there won’t be the need of street cleaners (plastic surgery).
So it only comes down to changing yourself. Being sick of always secretly wishing people would, someday, change, I decided to take action. I went to get braces, gave myself and my wardrobe a makeover, and thankfully, the scar on my nose has become invisible as I grew older. The boobs? I didn’t go under the knife, but I had to say it took me a very long time to finally come to accept the size of my bras.
The result? My effort has paid off. Today the compliments I get from people are overflow.
A light makeover can get such positive feedback; imagine a “big”—under the knife one. If you are scared of knife, the only way you can do is to love your imperfections, like I do. But if all “larger figure” girls are comfortable in their skins, how-to-slim-down books won’t be the all-time bestseller. Although now I consider myself a confident girl, there are still times I feel insecure. Therefore, I can assure you that learning to love your imperfections is a long and lonely road.
So, don’t rule out plastic surgery. If it can boost up your confidence, make you love yourself more, why not?

You Don't Know Me!

What would you do when people misunderstand you, or hold a wrong perspective on you? Would you fight for your image? Or would you simply shrug your shoulders and not give a damn?
It is shocked to understand how people are easily convinced by judging the cover of a book. It is shocked, at the same time, to realize how crucial it is the way you carry yourself.
I mean, I have always understood this “natural law” in this society. However, I have never paid attention at it. “Why would I care about how you think about me? You ain’t nobody.”—That’s how I had always thought. However, recently this incident has made me stumble.
Last month, I saw an ad on NEWMAN. It was about a nationwide model search. “Just another simulated America’s Next Top Model + So You Think You Can Dance local reality show,” I thought. The more I read on it, the more I was intrigued by this ad.
“Well, since my school is starting on April, and I’m free for these 2 months anyways, why not just do it? At least I’m not wasting my time thinking about back home. I am gaining a life-time experience—in an online reality show. This is something I have never done before!” I told myself.
So I went to the audition that day. Here is the abbreviated conversation I had with one of the judges:
Lady Judge: Tell me something about yourself.
Me: Well, I was born in IP. I just came back from Canada, and I am still a student.
Lady Judge: What are you doing?
Me: Nursing.
Lady Judge: You’re studying in Canada?
Me: Actually I studied business in Canada. But I’m kind of sick of business. I want to switch my career, so now I’m taking nursing courses.
Lady Judge: Business, nursing, and now you want to be a model?
(Excuse me, just because my goal is to be a nurse, it doesn’t mean I am not allowed to grab the side opportunities to gain some otherwise-experiences. Duh!)
Me: Well, I’m going to give it a shot!
Lady Judge: You are not tall enough.
Me: I know that my height is a bit too short to become a runway model, but I can be a commercial model!
Lady Judge: We are looking for a versatile model that can do everything.
Me: Well, the revolution is going to start from me. Maybe I can be the first 5’4 model who walks the runway.
Lady Judge: I doubt it.
(There hello there hello, if Obama, an African American, could go and run for presidential election, why can’t a 5'4 girl go and take part in a model-search contest? For me, nothing is impossible. Where there is a will, there is a way. I apply it on every facet of my life.)

The two man judges voted me; I don’t know it is because of my beauty or my confidence. Thus, I successfully got in to the final audition on next week.
Days ago, I unintentionally found a blog on the internet about the show. The blogger is one of the crew of the show. As I scrolled down the screen, my photo popped up before my eyes, and there was a sentence that especially bothered me:
“…I agree with the judges that she seems unsure of her direction…”
They were pigeonholing me as someone whom I am not.
We all have flaws. Everyone has been through the quarter-life crisis. Additionally, career changing is commonplace; I don't understand why the people here see it such a big deal (looks like I still need more time to better attune myself to this "freaking" environment.). What is the problem of a person switching from what she/he is doing when she/he truly found her/his passion? It is never too late to pursuit your dreams! I don't think I was too late to come to terms with life-purposes. Today, I know what I want to do with my life—I want to become a NURSE and work for Sick Kids Hospital.
Perhaps I could have presented myself better during the interview so that they wouldn’t have misjudged me.
As I mentioned, just because I want to be a nurse, it doesn’t mean I am not allowed to take those otherwise-opportunities to gain some otherwise-experiences.
On the other hand, it’s funny to see myself getting trapped by this reality show and comments made by those unknown people. Sometimes, the way you look and the way you talk are just so important. Its influence in your life is just so significant that you can’t ignore it.
After days of struggling, my decision for this incident comes down to this: I don’t give a damn. (yawning)

I know I don't have the qualifications to become a model. Whether I win or lose, my intention to take part at this contest is to experience new things. As long as I am still Jun’s dreamgirl, that’s all it matters.
Do you think I really want to be a model in this freaking country?
Pphhhuuu!!!

I love the way I am~

I even look gorgeous with braces on!!

p/s: And today was the final audition, and I tried to give my best performance.
I didn’t make it to the top 12. But I won the best compliments I have ever got from the judges and acclamations among the girls. :)

Homesick

A wave of nostalgia rush over me.
I miss my friends; I miss my home, and I miss the people.
As much as I use the best effort I can to try to keep myself up-to-date about the news back home, being 9148 miles away from Toronto, I sometimes just feel like a ditched duck.
As much as I use the best effort I can to try to persuade myself that I am here just for school, just for 3 years, and after that, I could run back into my home’s embrace, I sometimes just feel depressed.
As much as I use the best effort I can to try to maintain a buoyant spirit, I sometimes just want to cry. Like yesterday.
I wonder what other people do and how they cope when they are homesick.
I told Jun that I watched the video, which he is making funny faces trying to move his eyes to the centre, in my camera that day. I missed him so much. I wished he was still here with me. Jun, on the other side, told me that he felt the same way too. He said it feels so “weird” being in Toronto without me.
Within a second, I became a broken tap—failed to turn off the water=tears.
I, or maybe, was like Niagara Falls.
“It’s okay. It’s only temporary,” Jun tried to calm me.
And this morning, I woke up with a pair of dark puffy eyes.

Waiting

Are you currently waiting for an event to take place, an opportunity to appear, rain to stop, or maybe time to pass by faster so that you can go home?
Waiting is such conventional, challenging, yet privilege.
Numerous studies have shown that waiting invades at least 70% of time in our whole life.
It’s a cruel truth because we waste so much of our life time just waiting. Perhaps we are all trained by this society the moment we are born. We have to line up to buy tickets, wait for the food after ordering it, wait for the bus to come on schedule, wait for the government to approve an application, wait for the surgery date, even wait for the grand prize of lottery would fall on us someday. We are so used to it that we live with it without even notice it. Although sometimes we complain about it, aren’t we already accept it as part of our everyday life?
Maybe you argue that waiting challenges your patience. Perhaps you are desperately waiting for a loved one to come home or call you. In other words, isn’t it a privilege to have someone you love to wait for? Millions of people out there are heart-broken. They don’t even have this good fortune.
Yes, I think I’m very fortunate. My beloved boyfriend will be arriving here tomorrow noon. I can’t WAIT to see him.
I’m sitting at the patio, sipping my latte—the phone rings.“Hello Susan, are you here yet? I’ve been waiting for you for half an hour!”